I'm procrastinating when I should be getting my school work done. I hate to say it, but since my dad passed away I haven't been teaching the way I should be. I haven't been keeping up the way I should be. I know its not fair to my students and I want to change my ways but I find it so difficult to find the motivation and encouragement from others to keep going. Everyone tells me it will be better. It's been 2 months, 1 week and 2 days and I'm still not over it. I have a really hard time talking about my dad. People bring him up from time to time..just in random conversation and I am overwhelmed by emotion where I just want to cry. I try to keep it held in but my problem is my face and eyes turn all red, get puffy and everyone knows. Today I was talking to Kristy about Valentine's Day and she just brought up the fact that maybe Greg got me a picture of my dad and I together and I wanted to cry. WHY? I have a hard time calling my mom because she brings up my dad all the time and I want to cry. I can't have a conversation with her without crying. These last couple of days have been really hard on me. I come home to an empty house and I sit and cry. I wish Greg worked regular hours so I could just have him there...or if my close friends lived close so they could just come over and give me company so I wouldn't have so much time to myself to think about things I don't want to think about. I guess in the end, I don't know how to deal. I'm upset with myself with how out of control I am with this. I thought I was much stronger, but I guess I'm not. I do have my good days where I can talk about my dad but those are few and far in-between.

I do share stories about my dad with my students more than I ever did before. I wonder if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but they do listen when I tell them and I really appreciate that. I have one student that never did her work or asked for help so she was failing my class, and after my dad died she promised me that she would do better in my class just for me b/c my dad died. It was so sweet and she really is keeping it up. I am very proud of her. I love all my students this year and I think they know that. I was just thinking about how my dad never got a chance to see my classroom...

Work related things...our district's new motto is "Do Less with Less"....EXCUSE ME? REALLY? This is our motto and we are supposed to make them world thinkers, leaders, and so much more? Raise ITBS scores with less than what we have now? Awesome. We are experiencing extreme budget constraints right now where we need to have a big budget cut which means there is a chance I will be laid off in the upcoming months. I kind of saw this as an opportunity to venture back to school, or take up flying lessons or travel...but then reality struck in that I still need to pay for my student loans and a WEDDING! I guess in that case I really do need my job and it would be nice to keep it. I guess we'll see. My principal said I am not on her list to be excessed, but if someone gets excessed from another building that has the same as or more credentials and more years than me, then they can bump me out of my spot and then I'm at the bottom of the excess list since its only my second year. I'm trying not to worry about it right now, but I need to talk to my principal and see if I should apply elsewhere in the meantime.

Okay, I have less than an hour to get school work done.
I miss my entire family. I wish they would visit me.
Oh well.