Revelation. Dying is not a punishment. Dying is not a bad thing. Dying is God's way of letting you know you have served your time and you have done what you were meant to do and now it's time for you to move on. I have come to this conclusion based on all the people that have died in my life. All good people. I think God is making an army of good people; those that can accomplish their goals. Dying is a privilege. This is now my goal. To be a better person, so I can live life the way I am supposed, accomplish my goals, and eventually graduate to die on earth to be with God in heaven.

When I miss my dad the most he visits me in my dreams, which always allows me to wake up in a much better mood than I fell asleep. My dreams usually encompass me being in contact with my dad but never actually being able to see him physically face to face. Something is always in the way and I always say I'll make it there tomorrow. Tomorrow may be a long time away.

The pain of my dad will never go away, but I have to be happy for him that he is with God. I am happy that he accomplished his goals and got to move on. I guess I'm upset that I wasn't part of his goals--such as seeing me get married, getting a higher degree ( i hope sooner rather than later), maybe having kids someday (?). My goal is to be less self fish and give myself, but at the same time I feel entitled to being self fish b/c I feel I have lived my life for everyone else. How will I accomplish my goals if I can never reach them?

Right now, Greg is living my goals and it makes me terribly jealous. I want to be the one in school. I don't people to think that I followed him in dentistry when it was all my idea! I wish once I graduated and did my service of one year in Des Moines, I had gone home b/c I think I would be in a different place in my career and my schooling right now. Now, I can't back out. We're buying a house. We're moving. I'm changing careers. I want to be back in school.
We have a cat...that I don't want. Her shedding drives me crazy. She as a cat is fine. I hate how we got her and why we have her. My mom loves her. Wish I could give her to my mom but Greg won't let me. Cat over my happiness....awesome.

I know I am the one that allows these little things to get to me. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out how I can do what I want.

Anyway, with those little things I thank God for everything I do have. All my senses, all my limbs, my family, a career, things that keep me alive that so many people in the world do not have. I am privileged and I need to be better about the things I have and not want to so much. I need to go now. school stuff.