I'm naked. I hope you enjoy.
I feel really exposed. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay as if they know something I don't. I wasn't sure why so many people were asking me until I realized it was November. It's been almost a year since my dad passed away. I'm still very emotional. Since Greg told me that I needed to get counseling I'm trying to counsel myself. Will this go well? Maybe. I've already made myself do things that I have become really lazy about...such as getting to the things I need to get done right away, doing things for myself instead of making Greg do them, and just trying to keep a positive mindset. I think I might have already checked out on my job. I really want to do a good job, but I'm not sure if I'm coming back next year. In fact, I'm planning on not coming back. I really want to move back home near my mom and brother even though I know that may not be the best idea concerning jobs and financial stability. I miss my family and I need them near. In retrospect, I can't decide if Iwould have changed what I've done the last 6 years...maybe I should have stayed close to home, maybe I shouldn't have accepted that scholarship and gone back home after I graduated...maybe I could have saved my dad. So many things run through my head and I really can't share them with anyone. No one seems to really understand. I just need someone to listen and let me know that I'm not insane. I don't want pity, I don't want sorrow, I want someone to understand that I found my dad dead on the kitchen floor where he was cold, his eyes slightly open and his mouth just barely open. The chair had fallen, cabinet doors were open...I don't know what happened. I get a pain in my chest everytime I remember. I cry. I sob. I don't vent to real people. This experience has changed me entirely. I blame Des Moines for keeping me away from my family which is why I'm ready to go back. It's not fair to my students. I can tell that as much as I try to be normal, I'm not. I'm not cheerful as I used to be. The ones that enjoy my class are those that take math seriously. So many of them don't. I can't internalize it for them and that bothers me. I feel a bit useless. I want to be smart again. I want to be looked up to. I want my students to be successful and enjoy my class. I want everything to be perfect. I know it won't be. I'm falling apart entirely.
I have come to realize that life is short. We die when we have done everything we were supposed to so then why is it that I'm so saddened by the fact that my dad is no longer here. I should be happy for him, right? I fear everyday that I'll lose the rest of my family. My mom wants to sell my dad's house. That makes me sad too but at the same time it might help us all breathe and start over. I would love my mom to come live near me, but frankly I don't want to live in Des Moines my entire life, I don't think the schools are exceptionally great here for my brother, and Des Moines is home...but its not HOME.
I have to make the most of every moment. I have to set my goals and stick to them. Even if they are small crafty goals :) Tomorrow is Thursday. Thank goodness. I only have two full blocks and then on Friday we have a field trip with the kids. I'm glad my week is ending. I have to babysit Sat. night...good money.

Wedding planning is starting up again. I need invitations, clothes, jewelry, music, photographer, set up food and cake tasting, update the Mandap order, and get a lot of other things in order too...guest lists with addresses, guest gifts, make save the dates...oh life. how you make me want more time in the day so I can get more things done. Why don't they change the days to a longer day. less work, more play means happy people. Okay, sleep time.

Oh yeah, republicans won the votes...pretty sure gay marriage is out. dumbdumbdumb.